Sounds Heard on the Tec Support Line

submitted by  Patricia Brousseau  

About Computers.......
> > A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
> >printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows."
> >The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is
> >a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a
> > window and his printer is working fine."
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape
> > keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of
> >the screen
> > Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
> > CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
> > TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
> > CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
> > TECH SUPPORT: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
> > CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> > Overheard in a computer shop:
> > CUSTOMER: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
> > SALESPERSON: "Certainly, Sir. We've got a large variety."
> > CUSTOMER: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> > I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the
> > document back to the sender when I finished with it, because he
> >needed to keep it.
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> > CUSTOMER: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> > I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that
> > start something like this:
> > CUSTOMER: "Hi, Is this the Internet?"
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> > CUSTOMER: "So that will get me connected to the Internet,
> > right?"
> > TECH SUPPORT: "Yeah."
> > CUSTOMER: "And that's the latest version of the Internet,
> > right?"
> > TECH SUPPORT: "Uhh.. uh... uh... yeah."
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >Some people pay for their online services with checks made
> > payable to "The Internet."
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> > TECH SUPPORT: "All right, now double-click on the File
> >Manager icon."
> > CUSTOMER: "That's why I hate this Window - because of icons.
> > I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
> > TECH SUPPORT: "Well, that's just an industry term, Sir. I don't
> > believe it was meant to..."
> > CUSTOMER: "I don't care about any 'Industry terms'. I don't
> > believe in icons."
> > TECH SUPPORT: "Well... why don't you click on the 'little
> > picture of a file cabinet. Is 'little picture' ok?"
> > CUSTOMER: (click)
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> > CUSTOMER: "My computer crashed!"
> > TECH SUPPORT: "It crashed?"
> > CUSTOMER: "Yeah, and it won't let me play my game."
> > TECH SUPPORT: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
> > CUSTOMER: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."
> > TECH SUPPORT: "Huh?"
> > CUSTOMER: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I
> > crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
> > TECH SUPPORT: "Click on 'file', then 'New Game.'"
> > CUSTOMER: (pause) "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> > CUSTOMER: "Your computer's sound card is defective and I want a
> > new one."
> > TECH SUPPORT: "What seems to be the problem?"
> > CUSTOMER: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming
> > out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out of the  left.
> > It's defective."
> >> TECH SUPPORT: "You can solve the problem by moving the left
> > speaker to the right side of the machine and vice-versa."
> > CUSTOMER: (sputter)... (click).
> > TECH SUPPORT: (snicker...)
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> > I got a call from a woman who said her laser printer was
> > having problems. The bottom half of her printed sheets were coming
out
> >blurry.
> > It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half.
I walked her through the basics, then came over and printed out a test
> >sheet. It
> > printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet herself. So she sent a print
> >job to
> >the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and 
>showed
> >>it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own.
> > Problem solved.
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> > I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet
> > division for about a month when I had a customer with a problem I
just couldn't
> > solve. She could not print yellow. All the colors would print fine,
> >which  truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.
> >For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green
printed fine. Every color in the rainbow printed except for yellow. I had the
> > customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and
reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; the offered no  new  ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the  customer  to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "ShouldI try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?" Sometimes the user can teach us a thing or two about Tec support.
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >A man attempting to set up his new printer called the
> > printer's
> > tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find
> >the printer." On the phone the man said he held the printer up in front
> >of the screen but the computer still couldn't find it.
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> > Another user was all confused about why the cursor always
> > moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained about how hard it was to hit the buttons. She was quite
> > embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

> > - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> > This guy calls in to complain that he gets "access denied"
> > message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user
> >name and password in capital letters.
> > TECH SUPPORT: "O.K., let's try once more, but use lower case
> > letters."
> > CUSTOMER: "Oh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
> > - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> > For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from
> > someone and our computers were facing away from each other. A few
> >minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what was typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking, red-faced. I started to type...
> > "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "What the..." the
> > teacher said. I typed,
> > "I said leave me alone!" The kid got upset. "I didn't do anything to
> >it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. ME: "Don't touch me!" HER: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
> > ME: "Who do you think you are, anyway?" ... Etc...
> > Finally I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my
> > chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both
> > turned beet red.
> > Funny, I never got more than a "C-" in that class.
> >- - - - - - - - - - - - -
> > I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed
> > to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he got the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only the very top of the key. When I told him about the shift key he thought I was a genius.

> > - - - - - - - - - - - -
> >My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon.
> >He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the work stations 
>with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now
she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she
> >replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes
> > ago!"
> >
> >>>>
     

Submitted by Joyce

Hope you will enjoy this.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a
refrigerator? (Scroll down for answer.)



The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in
the giraffe and close the door. This question tests
whether you tend to do simple things in an overly
complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator?


Wrong Answer :Open the refrigerator, put in the
elephant and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer :
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in
the elephant and close the door. This tests your
ability to think through the repercussions of your
actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference,all
the animals attend except one. Which animal does not
attend?


Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the
refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three
questions, correctly, you still have one more chance 
to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is
inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?


Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles
are attending the Animal Meeting! This tests whether
you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around
90% of the professionals they tested got all
questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several
correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively
disproves
the theory that most professionals have the brains of 
a four year old. 


That should brighten your day; Happy "Older
Americans Month!!" 
The humbled, Joyce

  For all of us who feel only the deepest love and

> affection for the way computers have enhanced our

> lives, read on...

>

> At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates

> reportedly compared the computer industry with the

> auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like

> the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that

> got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

>

> In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued

> press release stating:

>

> If GM had developed technology like Microsoft,we would

> all be driving cars with the following

> characteristics:

>

> 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash

> twice a day.

> 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road,

> you would have to buy a new car.


> 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for

> no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of

> the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car,

> restart it, and reopen the windows before you could

> continue. For some reason you would simply accept  this.

> 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left

> turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to

> restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

> 5. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning

> lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An

> Illegal Operation" warning light.

> 6. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

> 7. Occasionally, for no reason what so ever, your car

> would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously

> lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio

> antenna.

> 8. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers

> would have to learn how to drive all over again,

> because none of the controls would operate in the same

> manner as the old car.

> 9. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the

> engine off.



However...........



> However, if it were engineered by Apple, they would make a car that

> was

powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as

> easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of

> the roads.

>



Enjoy!